(Photo of Hawaii Garden Spider taken on a retreat I co-hosted on Big Island, Hawaii this past, February 2016 entitled the Feminine Fire of Creation)
The incident with a spider… that had so much more to say.
So I have this fear.
It’s not debilitating. I don’t crap my pants or anything, but I definitely have a spastic reaction when I see a spider come near me, and especially when it has chosen to hitch a ride… then I go a little batshit nuts on it, and myself.
I’ve had this ongoing interaction with a small spider for the past few weeks. This spider is no longer than 1 cm, from tip to tip, including the legs. This is not a big spider, by any means, but there is a definite resistance to it, regardless of its size.
It had chosen to hitch a ride inside the passenger side mirror of my car and I would see it come out once in a while, impressed by how it kept surviving the heat from day to day, in that part of the car! I left it alone, but appreciated the distance. This foreign entity was on the other side of the window. There was a comfortable barrier between me and it.
One day, I decided I didn’t want to keep having to “look over my shoulder” or roll up the window, just the right amount, as to avoid it flying in my face in the wind as the car took the highway… so I wanted to gently bring it to a place where it would clearly be much happier! A field of grass perhaps, anywhere else but in that side mirror… I could note that I had no desire to kill it. I wanted it to live, but just a little further away from me.
Coming back to the car after a session at the climbing gym, I noticed a little patch of grass nearby and chose to attempt to bring it to its new home by allowing it to climb onto a long piece of paper, where I could ease it into it’s more pleasant location, hopefully without damage. I had trouble getting it out. It kept hiding back into the mirror and after a while, I sort of flipped the paper and thought I had managed to do what I had planned, but didn’t see it happen… All I knew for sure is that it was no longer in the side mirror.
Fast-forward about a week to today… I have been having one of those in-between days where something is shifting but it’s not quite comfortable yet, things felt off, I was on the moon, in a daze. And as we are driving my son to a playdate, out crawls this spider, on my shoulder, down my right arm.
In as much as I would love to tell you that I was a totally graceful hero here, I cannot.
I spazzed like mad, yelled, freaked out and instinctively tried to scratch it off my arm. Once I knew it was no longer there, and was done contorting in every which direction, I felt really bad about the way I had reacted to this spider! To this thing I just didn’t understand. And that, in my reaction, had very likely killed it!
– I will interject here…
by explaining that I am a massive magnetizer of spiders. I use to have dreams about them when I was a kid, and wherever I go, no matter what country I am in the world, I will have at least one interaction with a local spider… They gravitate towards me, because I am one of them.
The spider has been a totem for me for most of my life, and it always appears at the right time, to remind me that I am the Creator of my Reality. So when I feel low, confused, unsure… one will pop up to send me this message, and then move on. I have begun the exercise of interacting with this totem… and it can be really interesting to note HOW these totems appear in our lives, and then how WE react, when they do!
Do we kill it? Do we run away? Do we hate it with a vengeance? Or do we welcome it?
This says a lot about how we interact with the message that this totem brings.
The Spider totem speaks of being the weaver of dreams, of life, the great creator of everything she needs… the spider sets its template, weaves its web and waits for what she wants, to come to her. She magnetizes and attracts her desires and only needs to “take action” once it has been caught in her web. She avoids all the work of always pushing to “get somewhere” or “something” and balances out the energies required by setting the scheme for what she needs, and moving only once it approaches her.
The Spider totem, very appropriately represents femininity and feminine energy at its best… balanced.
Coming back to the story now…
In my spazztic reaction to its sudden appearance on my arm, I had thankfully not killed the spider. In fact I saw it crawling on the floor of the car. I was relieved but still nervous about the fact that I was still needing to “take care of” this situation. My thought was this:
“If I gather enough courage to allow this spider to crawl on me as I bring it out the window, I will have faced one of my longest-running fears and I can begin “working with” these creators, as opposed to against them.”
You see, I am heading out into the jungles of Peru, in late October, on a Shamanic Retreat lead by Lola Archer Pickett… and there are big scary spiders there. There are tarantulas there. And I have simply learned to expect that I will have a “moment” with what I am slowly but surely starting to consider, is very much like me…
As I was gathering up the energy, the will, the courage to reach down for this spider and let it crawl on me, my husband “sort of” scratched alongside another car as he was parking it, highlighting “an obstacle in my process”. Once we took care of this… dropped off my son, we drove back and I had a back and forth interaction with this spider, which was crawling all over the place, making a web, standing in its angry pose, going fast, going slower, flying suddenly because a gust of wind would catch it.
I was in fear the whole time.
I needed the car to be stopped to do this properly. “Sudden surprises” were too much at this level of experience.
As we parked the car near our apartment, I finally reached a point when it was now or never. We got out of the car, I reached down, shaking, and allowed the spider to crawl on me for a few seconds. It was scary, I was clenched, not at all relaxed. And it didn’t last very long as it flew away on a filament of web at the next gust of wind.
It tickled… is what I remember.
So why does this scare us so much? This thing, that is too small to bite or harm in any way. Why are some completely void of reaction to these apparent “other worldly” creatures, and others in a total panic?
And how can we resolve those very basic differences, by connecting to that part of us, that already knows, there is nothing to fear…
We have work to do here… there is no doubt. And as long as we remain conscious of where those fear-driven protective barriers lie, the work gets done, slowly but surely, pushing them further and further out. Next step, deeply connecting with ALL of these “unknowns” with a fully-open acceptance of our common earthly source… and beyond!
We are the Weavers of our Reality. What Reality have you been constructing lately?
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Thank you, and REALLY looking forward to connecting… <3