This weekend at Mantra Fest… in the Cévennes region in the South of France, I worked with Jaguar Medicine… This Mayan ritual appeared like magic out of nowhere and I followed.
The path to this medicine was not straight… it had some curves and somewhat arduous terrain, as do many of my encounters with powerful transformative magic. I have begun understanding that something is going to have quite an effect, when I start experiencing many obstacle-like hiccups and a sense of nervousness before it occurs… part of the “we have to work hard to get good things” programing I gather.
I was called to the site before knowing this is where the ritual would be held and was thus the first one there. I was also reproached three times within 10 minutes by the leading medicine women and her assistant for having broken ritual regulations as a result… Without getting too far into the details about the “what” and the “how”, what I would primarily like to bring forth is the internal battle that was held throughout the experience.
The ritual in itself, was very real. Just how I like it.
We used our voices, we moved our bodies to the sound of drums, to the energies of the sun, earth and moon. I heaved and gagged. I coughed, cried and roared. So much came out… “Stuff” that felt deeply-engrained and stagnant for a long time. I had visuals of a tiger, who came to lick my face, of dolphins, and of other elements of which, I’m sure over time, the meaning will become clearer. Multi-colored triangles amongst other things… (and no, psychedelics were not a part of this ritual).
Throughout this experience, I found myself really wanting to connect with the leading medicine woman. I wanted her to really “see” me. From the onset of the workshop, and from my perspective, I felt coined as the “rule breaker” or “the inconsiderate”, perhaps it felt more like “the outsider”. Our energies were clearly not an easy flowing match. It felt like two cats… and I was on her territory.
My first reactions were of needing to explain, tell her why I had placed my things there, that I had no clue this was the sacred circle… that I had just felt it was a nice space to lie in the sun before moving over to the site of the ritual… I wanted to share how fascinated I am with shamanic work, how I seem to work with this energy without having even learned it previously, and how I AM FRIGGEN TRAVELING TO PERU IN OCTOBER for a shamanic retreat! This makes me cool, right?
But thankfully, this was just a passing emotion, driven from an insecurity that has long held power over my actions… the fear of disappearing, of not mattering and not existing.
As we closed the session and I purchased her CD, she did not meet my gaze or “thank you”, when exchanging the money she was asking for her gifts. And although I was curious to know why, I no longer felt the need to be viewed as “powerful”, as “essential”, as “included” in her world, to know that this is where I am.
The part of me that was simply content with knowing these things for myself, and not having to “prove” anything replaced the insecure emotion of needing to be seen and validated by another. I would have loved a conversation about this shamanic approach, about the amazingly intense session, about how I am searching for like-minded community where I live, but this space was not open for me to enter, and I was able to walk away respecting this, without taking it as a personal blow to my value, my strength or even relating it to my future in shamanic work.
My initial reaction showed me “if this medicine woman does not accept you, then you are not accepted in this world” (and I want to add that I had a VERY similar “interaction” with my Reiki teacher… while Reiki very clearly became an important piece of energy work in my life. This medicine has come forth many times to be learned).
My chosen response, was more along the lines of “Hey, even medicine women can occasionally, in their human experience, act like what you perceive to be a total ‘not-nice-person’ (although other words come to mind), and this has nothing to do with you”.
This woman’s actions (and non-actions) helped me to undergo, not only the ritual release and transformation that needed to take place, but helped me take back my own power in the process, with the assistance of the jaguar. I can’t help but thank her for this and I hold immense respect for who she is and what she is bringing forth in this world, even if our “human” (or more likely “animal”) energies are not a sweet match for connection right now.
If I bring this lesson back into daily life…. The next time we feel the need to be seen as a result of feeling unimportant, as an outsider, as not belonging to this world, can we tell the difference?
Are we trying to get someone’s attention or posting this message on FB to reach out and engage in an upward positive momentum, to truly connect with others who also want to hear this message as much as we needed to?
Or are we attempting to prove and showcase to others who we are, what we ate and how we shit because we are needing to be seen and validated… because we are momentarily feeling as though we don’t matter, or exist?
These insecurities are real and are not to be dismissed, but acting from a place of awareness that this is the case, makes all the difference in how we interact, how that message is transmitted and shared. The energy coming from this place of awareness becomes less of a reactive vomiting and more of an intentional response (whether it is better to act or not to act) that can be incredibly constructive for all parties involved!
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Thank you, and REALLY looking forward to connecting… <3